Finding Forgiveness

I smiled, “I’m happy you did.”

His lips curled into a smile too, “How are you?” he asked.

I sighed, “I’ve been better.”

My eyes were probably puffy and my cheeks tear-stained. He was only asking out of good manners.

He sighed before he pushed forward a bunch of flowers in his hand. They were wilted and many of the stalks bent or broken.

“They didn’t really survive the journey,” he said, with gritted teeth. “But I thought you might like them.”

“They’re perfect,” I said taking them and looking down at the wilted petals and browning colours. “Thank you.”

“I was just gonna walk through reception and then up here to you but apparently there’s strictly no visitors except the Alpha,” he replied.

“They say I’m too weak,” I told him, drawing a circle with my finger on the sheet. “They’re probably right.”

“Nonsense,” he said. “You’re Ella Jones and your body may not be at it’s best but in there,” he said pointing to my head, “You’re as wonderful as ever.”ConTEent bel0ngs to Nôv(e)lD/rama(.)Org .

I forced a smile. “If only.”

“Hey, Ella,” he said crouching beside me. “What can I do?”

I shrugged, “Being alone is the worst sentence. Just stay here until Leo gets back at least.”

“Of course,” he said.

“And can you pass me those pills?” I asked pointing to the shelf. “I’m supposed to take them twice a day but I’m too weak to reach them.”

Luca got up and reached for the pot.

He read the label and I prayed he wouldn’t question.

“Benzos?” he asked. “Aren’t they like… really bad and addictive?”

“They’re supposed to take my mind off…. everything,” I replied. “The Doctor prescribed them.”

He nodded and handed them to me and I immediately took one, swallowing it down my dry throat. I then smiled to Luca and put the pot beside my bed for next time.

Leo returned an hour later. As we listened to him come down the hallway, I suggested the Luca made his quick escape but he refused.

“You’re not supposed to be here,” Leo said upon seeing Luca.

“I didn’t want to be alone,” I said.

“I’m sorry, Alpha.”

“It’s okay. I’m not mad. I’ll tell reception that from now on you’re allowed in,” he replied before noticing something in Luca’s hair. “And then you won’t have to do whatever you did to get in again,” he added pulling out a twig from his locks.

“How are you, Ella?” he asked.

I shrugged, “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” he questioned.

His eyebrows furrowed for a moment as he paused and stared right at me. Then his gaze went up to the shelf that the jar of pills had occupied but was now vacant. He then saw them by my bed and sighed.

“I thought you decided not to take them, Ells?” he asked.

“I changed my mind. And I don’t see him so often anymore.”

I put on a smile and gestured for him to sit next to me.

“Do you feel numb like the bottle says?” he asked.

I shrugged, “I guess.”

The chaotic memories of my trauma had been tamed. The despair and fear eased. It felt like I was in control again but at the same time, there was little to be controlled.

“I think I want to sleep now,” I stated.

Leo nodded and I lay down.

“Sleep well, Ella,” Luca said, gently touching my hand.

Leo then kissed my head and I closed my eyes, dropping into some blissful sleep.

Ella stayed in the hospital for another week. She took the pills every day and as promised, they took away her negative emotions but also everything else too. She no longer needed my hugs or any kind of comfort and she lost interest entirely in talking to me or even seeing me. It seemed Luca could no longer entertain her and most of her time was spent either asleep or staring vacantly at the wall. Whilst there were no more tears or nightmares,? a smile rarely graced her lips either and even less often a laugh.

When the Doctor’s deemed her healthy enough for our children to come and see her, she seemed happy enough but she didn’t hug them as tightly as she used to and she just smiled and nodded as they spoke to her. When Cato asked her how she was, she couldn’t answer. When Lili presented her with a beautiful quilt she had knitted with her Grany, she told her it was pretty but her smile was meek and subdued.

I tried to explain to them why their Mother was like this. Why they didn’t really have her back yet. Even Cato, the eldest, didn’t quite understand and each and every one of them was quieter and calmer when I put them to bed that night.

I held her hand as we left the hospital but she only gripped as firmly as she needed to stay upright and when we got home, she just sat where I placed her on the bed, without saying a word until she eventually fell asleep.

Every morning and night for another week I brought her a glass of water and handed her a pill. I felt a pang of guilt everytie I watched her swallow one. The medication just felt like a distraction rather than a solution. One day, she was going to have to feel the pain in all its intensity and the longer we put it off, the worse it was going to be.

Selfishly, I also missed her. Of course, I didn’t want her to have to suffer but at the same time, I wanted her back. Even though she was right there beside me, the pills took the real her away.

It felt now, more than ever, like I was just with the shell of my mate. Her lively spirit was gone. So were her sharp wittiness and sense of humour. The twinkle in her eye had long since diminished and her once animated face was in a constant expression as cold and neutral as stone. I longed more than ever to see a genuine smile on her lips or hear her sweet laugh or just any sign of consciousness. She hardly even looked at me and when I kissed her head before bed every night, she made no response.

I tried not to take it to heart but losing the love of your mate in that way was never going to be easy.

Ella’s POV

I was running through the jungle again. The branches and vines whipped me just as usual but this time, the pain was more excruciating. The fear too came in constant waves of intensity and the pounded of my pulse in my ears was louder.

It was the same dream I had weeks ago in the hospital before the pills but ten times more real. The air was thicker and more humid than ever before. My legs burnt like I’d been running for hours. I could even hear the screeching of birds in the sky above.

I reached the clearing. Just as before the shadow emerged from the trees and came for me as I stood paralysed. But this time that wasn’t the end. It grabbed my throat, slamming me to the ground and still utterly unable to move I had no choice but to look up to its face.

It was Andrea. Or a version of him at least. His face was twisted in the most horrendous way, his skin grey and leathery with sunken sockets housing the most dreadful eyes. They were so black and dark I found my self staring back at the reflection of my own face. I was pale like a corpse, my expression completely still. But he was strangling me, I couldn’t breathe, yet there wasn’t even a flicker in my eye.

I woke up sweaty and panting, my heartbeat still racing. The fear didn’t leave me even as I sat awake.

The house was silent but inside my head, the voices the back, the images were back. Everything was back and worse than before.

I wanted to scream but I couldn’t. There was no sound to be made.