Forced by fate – Destined to be his Wife

“Am I selfish for wanting you to do what you said?” TangShi lifted her chin, nudging him away so he had to pull back his head to look her in the eye. Her tears stopping and instead she had a mirroring look of longing in her eye. “To fix us and raise this baby without question? To stay together and put it in the past? To be together again?” Her insides shuddered as she said the words, fear swirling that once it sunk in he would maybe change his mind, that he would realize he couldn’t do what he said.

It was her biggest fear from the second the doctor gave them the results and it had been plaguing her ever since, opening her eyes to the fact she did want to be with him again, more than ever. She had never truly given him up in her heart and had been angry and hurt by him, but not over him. YuZhi gazed at her for a long silent moment, saying nothing in answer to her questions and her nerves rose in terror.

Her stomach churning as his expression stilled to a blank calmness and he searched her face for some sign of something, still without responding to her. Making her antsy as panic set in. TangShi started to tremble, her throat drying, wondering if he regretted saying it now and it wasn’t how he felt anymore. That with the reality of a baby that wasn’t his, he couldn’t keep loving her the same way.

YuZhi lifted one hand and slid it up the back of her hair, entangling his fingers in her ponytail and tugged her face towards his as he lowered once more. His mouth finding her lips with the sudden jerk forward and sinking a kiss on her to erase any doubt she had that he couldn’t get past this. It didn’t matter to him, none of it.

In his mind TangShi didn’t do anything wrong and was a victim of some sick bastard he should have protected her from. He failed her and his burden of guilt would always weight him down. The baby, no matter whose it was, was not her fault either, and he wouldn’t lose her for anything in the world after experiencing a TangShi-less existence that almost killed him. Rong Cai would be dealt with but that wasn’t an innocents child’s fault who never asked to be conceived.

He kissed her gently at first, a pressing of lips to her sweet soft ones, feeling her out and seeking permission to touch her this way. Pushing hers slightly open so he could explore and deepen it and TangShi responded coyly. Unsure at first, but she relaxed into the familiar taste and feel of his mouth on hers and allowed herself to get lost in how good it felt. Churning up raw pain and emotion and old hurt like opening a wound while also applying a healing balm. Tasting him, opening up like a flower and forgetting the tears and heartbreak when joined.

She had missed this kind of touch from him these past weeks, and now she was being freely given it she latched on with a hunger as though she had been starved. Sliding her hands up his abdomen and chest and snaking her fingers around his neck as he relented too. Instinct taking over and hunger from being affection starved by him reigning supreme.

They moved to passionate kissing, where tongues met and caressed without inhibition, and they tilted their head slightly to accommodate one another. Upping the heat and passion and arousing urges neither were prepared for, especially in such a public space. TangShi’s hormones heating her body and an aching, throbbing, lower craving in her pelvis snapped her back to the present as the yearning for sex from him clouded her judgement. Her blood rushing fast and her heartrate elevating. Lungs heavy as they both panted with breathlessness form exertion and elevated horniness.

“I can’t.” She pulled away fast, fear gripping her as memories of Rong’s sneering face hit her in the mind’s eye like a deterrent. Her skin crawling with the thought of him being all over her and flashes of his face and voice cut through her skull like a blade. Her stomach tightening with the reminder his seed might be inside her, infecting her, and she burst into instant tears again. YuZhi held her close, confused why she had gone so far and then yanked back and not really understanding her burst of tears either.

“It’s okay. We don’t need to do anything. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have kissed you when you still don’t know how you feel.” YuZhi mistakenly thought this was because of his hurting her in the past and TangShi realized that it didn’t matter anymore. Somewhere over the past few days she had stopped focusing on that and started leaning on him again, needing his presence, and right now it hadn’t even crossed her mind. She loved him and wanted it back to how it was, but there was a black cloud of despair standing between them, growing inside of her, and his touch made her feel like she was some kind of dirty sinner who had allowed another man to defile her body. That she had betrayed their love.

“I wanted you to. I miss you…… I want it all back.” She sobbed brokenly, being honest with her heart and grabbing onto him again so she could bury herself back inside his jacket and be hidden from the world in her one true safe place. All her life she had looked for that harbor and found it in him.

“You can have it all back. I told you, didn’t I? I love you and I will do anything to fix what I did to us. You have to trust me; this is only a blimp and we can still have a happy future together. We can take it slow to get back what we had; I’m not going anywhere.” YuZhi’s voice broke, his throat hoarse with the sudden surge of his own emotions and eyes misted over. Heart swelling with love and hope that she really did want them together again. It was the one thing he had been desperate to hear and made everything seem like it could be okay again.

“But you’re not the only one who touched me anymore…. I’m tainted. I’m not how I was. I’m dirty and used.” TangShi cried, pushing her sodden cheek to his chest to close her eyes and lull herself to the rhythm of his heartbreak. Ashamed and spewing out the words she had tried to bury deep. That ingrained self-loathing her father instilled in her breaking free.

“You think that matters to me? I’m not some chauvinistic traditionalist who discards your worth because of that. Tang, I was hardly a virgin. Although what happened isn’t something I want, it’s not your fault, and you were a victim of something awful. You didn’t ask for what he did, you didn’t encourage it. It doesn’t change who you are to me or how I see you. How I love you.” He ran his hand down her hair, twirling her ponytail and decided this wasn’t the best place to be doing this. Pushing her with him so he could baby step her backwards and guided her along the very edge of the path away from the crowds while she kept on crying quietly. Shepherding her to a clearing before turning her into his side so she could walk properly with him and kept pulling her on at a slow space back towards where he parked the jeep. Careful to keep her concealed and thankful he wore his oversized parka to use as a covering for her.

“How can I get past it? How can I forget what he did? It makes me sick to my stomach every time I think of it and now…. with this, in here.” TangShi splayed her hand over her abdomen and gazed up at him with large unblinking eyes, showing the depth of her broken soul and it almost choked him to see he inner pain so freely. Her confusion and fear. “It feels like there’s a black hole growing there, and I can’t be happy with not knowing if it’s his. It feels like a dark mark and some kind of curse. It doesn’t feel like a baby, it feels like some sort of disease he placed inside me that will consume me whole.”Belonging © NôvelDram/a.Org.

“Don’t think like that. You’re distraught and traumatized with all of this. TangShi I wish I could wipe it away and make you feel better but all I can do is keep reassuring you that this baby is ours. It’s not a disease, it’s not going to hurt you. No matter what. I don’t care when it was conceived. It won’t change how much we love it. Separate it from him, think of it as yours, ours.” He knew that wasn’t entirely true and there was a part of him that was broken and in pain at the possibility someone else’s child grew inside of the woman he loved. That someone had hurt her in that way and done to her body something they never had the right to do. It angered him on crazy levels and he had thought of dealing with Rong Cai viciously so many times since he found out the truth.

“Is there something wrong with me for thinking that way? TangShi blubbed, ashamed she said those words out loud even if it’s how she had been thinking since the test.

“No. I think, given the circumstances, it’s probably normal and how a lot of women feel when they fall pregnant after an assault. Maybe we should try some counselling for you. While we await the trial. I didn’t realize how much this affected you and I’m sorry for not taking better care of you.” YuZhi was devasted.

“You do take good care of me. I don’t know, maybe it’s just the shock and I’ll feel better in time. I’m really tired because I don’t sleep and ….” She exhaled heavily, her fatigue draining what was left and the tears making it worse. Losing her train of thought as her body and mind gave in.

YuZhi frowned at her and began to wipe her face dry with his sleeve and thumb, calming her down without even meaning to just by administering some TLC. Unaware of how assuring his touch was and his stable and non-emotional persona could be. TangShi watched his expression, his flawlessly handsome face, as he focused on righting her appearance and smoothing back her hair. Loving him for being this person and somehow knowing what to say when she didn’t know how to feel or what to think.

“Let’s go home, I’ll run you a bubble bath and make you some food. Maybe sleeping next to me again might help. I swear I won’t touch you, but I want you back where you belong. We can vegetate at home all day and then move you back into our bed.” YuZhi was mentally a mess too, scared that he didn’t know how to help her and already making a mental checklist of things to do to care for her. Asking Doctor Huang for advice, finding a therapist, researching PTSD for sexual assault victims, whatever he could do for her. He would sleep without touching her as long as he had her close, or be, and do whatever she wanted.

TangShi stared at him, suddenly still and quiet and nodded. Soothed by his mere presence and becoming detached from reality in a dreamlike haze of mental exhaustion. Relinquishing control and effort to him because she knew he would take over and look after her without asking. Thankful for him in this moment, and she allowed him to pull her with him as he continued heading for the jeep, always attentive to keeping her shielded and stopping every few steps to wipe her face and give her a squeeze.

“Let’s get you home, baby.” YuZhi fell quiet as they walked and nuzzled her head against his neck, keeping up the pace and submerge din his own thoughts.